Hello grot bags! We're ready to introduce you to another of my imaginary friends! How does it feel reading these posts by the way? When you're reading these week on week, do you feel like the thin veil of reality is slowly slipping away? Perhaps we're all freeing ourselves of the shackles of sensible thought and reason. Or perhaps you maybe just think "that's nice, Mandy" then carry on about your day. Perhaps that's best. Just leave me to it.

Erm... anyway, as I said, we're ready to introduce you to another Gobblin' Goblin! But alas and alack, he's gone and got himself arrested. Local PC Gribley is not letting him have any visitors, so I can't ask him my usual set of questions. Luckily for you, dear reader, an unnamed (see I couldn't even be bothered to keep coming up with names) source at the goblin police station has handed me his crime report. So, without further ado, I present to you, Swipey Gobbo:


Personal information:
Name: Swipey Gobbo
Age: 19
Address: 10 Letsby Avenue (groan)
Identifying features: Quite tall and slim, shifty eyes, intense dislike of padlocks, green skin

Crime report:
Date: 02/08/2017
Suspect Apprehended: Round the back of the co-op
Description of offence: Unlicenced selling of goods in co-op car park. The home alarm systems he was selling appear to actually be devices which just send him a text to let him know you're out and your home is empty...

Previous offences:
Date: 08/02/2017
Suspect Apprehended: Round the back of the co-op
Description of offence: Attempted break in at the co-op. His excuse was that his mum had run out of Grot Noodles and it was an emergency. Written warning.

Date: 02/12/2016
Suspect Apprehended: Round the back of the co-op
Description of offence: Was asked to leave the co-op after getting really shirty with the guy on the till after he found out that the Gold bars he had purchased were actually made of chocolate and not real gold, which he says is delicious. Let off with a warning.


That sounds like our Swipey alright. He means well, he just forgets which side of the law is the one you're supposed to be on. Luckily for him, the Goblin legal system works a bit differently to the human one, and he'll probably just be made to eat 3 padlocks and go straight to bed. Until next time weirdos!